I Saw The Sign and It Opened Up My Eyes.

You know, I always try to do what I can to help a needy person out on the streets with a dollar or two here and a sandwich there. What can I say, there have been many times in my life when I was one paycheck away from being there myself.

There was, however, one incident recently that I am having a difficult time wrapping my head around. It kind of threw me off a bit and... well, let me just tell you the story. 

I had just finished shopping at my favorite grocery store, trying to stock up on the basic necessities of life like peanut butter and pale ale and was on my way out of the parking lot. As I approached the rear exit that I use to avoid the traffic heading the other direction, I noticed a homeless man standing there holding a a rather large sign with marker scribbling on it. Now, I don't know if it was because the sun was glaring in my eyes or because I had failed to wash my windshield for the past 4 months, but the sign he was holding was in no way clear or even slightly legible. It didn't matter anyways as in my mind,  most of the signs say the same thing; something about needing help and God Bless. Now, to be honest with you, times had been hard in terms of finances... I had just started a new job and the gap in pay had taken its toll on my wallet. To top it off, my Wife had sent me to the store with very strict instructions to spend as little as possible and I had already broken that rule with the six pack of Sierra Nevada that I so very much deserved. I couldn't possibly help this guy out during such financial hardship. It would be irresponsible and unreasonable to do so. 

Still, I felt this strange tugging at my heart and I knew that I had two dollars in my pocket.. Surely, the two dollars would be better spent for this man to feed himself than for me to spend on an overpriced coffee or something less important than the basic necessity that is food. My Wife may get upset, but conviction is conviction and I felt that for some reason, somehow I was put there, in that very situation,  to give this man the money. For the first time, I believed that fate had put me there and that giving my last two dollars to this needy man was all part of some divine plan that was much larger than myself.

As I pull up next to the man, I eagerly roll down my window and let out a, "here you go, man!" as he slowly approached my car. It was a great feeling of selflessness and although he blocked the sun as he approached my vehicle, leaving the bright light surrounding him, I could see a cheerful smile on the man's face. The closer he came, the more he blocked out the sun and just as he reached my car, hand extended, smile from ear to ear,  his sign become clear... 

Ouch. Turns out fate can be quite the enabler. 

I WAS MAD. How selfish... how rude. There are people out there starving, this is the last little bit of cash I had on me ,which could have went to help someone buy food.. and this guy... this guy right here, is asking for it for beer?  You messed up, Buddy, because you are about to get a piece of my mind! As he reaches for the money, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I looked him straight in the eyes and loudly said:

"No problem, Brother. Have one on me!"

Shame. Could I possibly be so insecure... so narcissistic, that I was not only too worried about what this drunken con artist thought of me but that I even changed my speech pattern and wording to fit in with him? Oh yeah, here you go... take my money to buy booze, just don't think I'm not cool with it... that would destroy me. I'm pretty sure that I need therapy. But what would the therapist think of me? 

Oh well, At least I have my own six pack.