You see... it's not so much that you've changed. You're still the same loser at heart. That's the problem. It's your surroundings that have changed and you spend the rest of your short life trying to catch up with them.
So, for all of you in your late twenties who have not yet been hit with the reality of this $*%#, this post is for you. Read it. Absorb it. Wrap your naive, young mind around it and learn to adapt. Because I love you... I love you very much.
30 Things They Don't Tell You About Turning 30
1. You will start referring to the majority of the people you meet as "kids."
2. Professional athletes your age are now retired, in the hall of fame and eating tapioca off of some stripper's stomach in Atlanta.
3. New Year's Eve photos do not involve JELL-O shots... just JELL-O.
4. All Your Friends Will Start Having Kids... On Purpose.
5. Any girls in their early 20's who seem attracted to you obviously have issues and need help.
6. You will start to lie. A lot.
7. The harsh reality that hangovers do exist will leave you broken inside.
8. This harsh reality will last for two days, not one morning.
9. People you used to like, you will now hate. People you used to hate, you will still hate but for entirely different reasons.
10. No one will ever be proud of you again. People are proud of 20-year-olds. You are in your 30's. Now, get back to work.
11. You will try to impress people who are younger than you by acting cool. You are not cool.
12. Get used to looking at a lot of pictures of food and kids on Instagram.
13. Sometimes sex is just something you need to get done.
14. Your Facebook feed now has political posts. Enjoy.
15. You will start using phrases that you used to hate. You can't help it. They are now part of your being. "It's just the way it goes."
16. You will watch a lot of concerts... on TV.
17. Your kids (yes, you have kids now) will expect you to know things and you'll be like, "oh no."
18. Your parents at 30 were far more advanced than you at 30. They will let you know this.
19. Going out with friends must be scheduled weeks in advance, placed in your calendar and planned out in detail. Oh.. and one of you will cancel.
20. The girl you were in love with in high school.. well look at her. She is hideous.
21. The girl you ignored in high school is now incredibly hot.
22. Your Wife (yes, you are married now) will talk about you with her friends. Her friends will not respect you.
23. Everyone you know now exercises.
24. You now really want to get carded when buying booze.
25. Sometimes you will volunteer your ID when buying booze and will hear, "It's okay... you're cool."
26. You have so many business cards in that one drawer. You know the drawer.
27. You will go to a party and there will be babies there. There are babies at the parties you go to now.
28. You dry shave. You gots too, man.
29. You never finish anything you start.
