6 Parenting Facebook Statuses (If People Told The Truth)

Humans are an opinionated breed, to say the least. Moreover, humans have an amazing ability to quickly spot every minor imperfection in another human while staying remarkably oblivious to their own. I'm sure there is some kind of evolutionary advantage to this kind of self denial but I have yet to identify what it is.

The truth is that parenting is sloppy, chaotic and completely ugly at times and despite the words of others who are always there when you need good criticism, this holds true for all.

We are all just trying to figure this mess out while minimizing the psychological damage we cause our children along the way. And between the in-store humiliation, the back seat screaming and the constant fear of failure, parenting can be a beautiful thing as well.

As an advocate of truth and self-awareness, I want to be perfectly clear on something. Parenting is not what you see on facebook, with all kids smiling at the camera, perfectly groomed while mommy and daddy look lovingly into each other's eyes while petting the family dog. This is what they want you to think parenting is like for them. You don't see the other takes with screeching, biting, sticky faces and dirty clothes, and don't even get me started on the kids...

To honor all of you parents who are doing the best you can but are constantly made out to be a failure by those less honest, I've compiled this this for you. Enjoy.

6 Parenting Facebook Statuses (If People Told The Truth) 

1. Date Night

2. Romance

3. Memories

4. Development

5. Love

6. Discipline

30 Things They Don't Tell You About Turning 30

I'd be lying if I said it was easy. After all, it seems like just yesterday that I was driving down the street, listening to overrated punk rock songs in my crappy car, completely broke, exhausted, no career and feeling effing great. These days are gone; just memories and reflections of a person that I once was and now have absolutely no way to relate to.

You see... it's not so much that you've changed. You're still the same loser at heart. That's the problem. It's your surroundings that have changed and you spend the rest of your short life trying to catch up with them.

So, for all of you in your late twenties who have not yet been hit with the reality of this $*%#, this post is for you. Read it. Absorb it. Wrap your naive, young mind around it and learn to adapt. Because I love you... I love you very much.


30 Things They Don't Tell You About Turning 30

1. You will start referring to the majority of the people you meet as "kids."

2. Professional athletes your age are now retired, in the hall of fame and eating tapioca off of some stripper's stomach in Atlanta.

3. New Year's Eve photos do not involve JELL-O shots... just JELL-O.

4. All Your Friends Will Start Having Kids... On Purpose.

5. Any girls in their early 20's who seem attracted to you obviously have issues and need help.

6. You will start to lie. A lot.

7. The harsh reality that hangovers do exist will leave you broken inside.

8. This harsh reality will last for two days, not one morning.

9. People you used to like, you will now hate. People you used to hate, you will still hate but for entirely different reasons.

10. No one will ever be proud of you again. People are proud of 20-year-olds. You are in your 30's. Now, get back to work.

11. You will try to impress people who are younger than you by acting cool. You are not cool.

12. Get used to looking at a lot of pictures of food and kids on Instagram.

13. Sometimes sex is just something you need to get done.

14. Your Facebook feed now has political posts. Enjoy.

15. You will start using phrases that you used to hate. You can't help it. They are now part of your being. "It's just the way it goes."

16. You will watch a lot of concerts... on TV.

17. Your kids (yes, you have kids now) will expect you to know things and you'll be like, "oh no."

18. Your parents at 30 were far more advanced than you at 30. They will let you know this.

19. Going out with friends must be scheduled weeks in advance, placed in your calendar and planned out in detail. Oh.. and one of you will cancel.

20. The girl you were in love with in high school.. well look at her. She is hideous.

21. The girl you ignored in high school is now incredibly hot.

22. Your Wife (yes, you are married now) will talk about you with her friends. Her friends will not respect you.

23. Everyone you know now exercises.

24. You now really want to get carded when buying booze.

25. Sometimes you will volunteer your ID when buying booze and will hear, "It's okay... you're cool."

26. You have so many business cards in that one drawer. You know the drawer.

27. You will go to a party and there will be babies there. There are babies at the parties you go to now.

28. You dry shave. You gots too, man.

29. You never finish anything you start.

Innovation Or Castration?

Look... I'm not one to put to much stock in the World's definition of, "manliness." At least not in the traditional, "I'm going to spend all day drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, watching Nascar and hating things" sense of the word.  Humanity is evolving and I'm not one to fight nature.

I do, however, hold to the truth that we, as Dudes, owe the world a favor and the feminization of American men has little to do with getting smarter and more to do with the laziness that accompanies modern innovation. My Dad had many flaws and may have spent more time out of my life than in it but he knew how to change a tire, read a map, mix a drink and hit on easy girls at clubs. Mad props, pops.

The truth is that many men today don't know how to be men, at least not without asking Siri to explain it. We are content with the idea that while we may not know how to accomplish even the most elementary of "man tasks," it is simply a reflection of the technicalization of society and to fight it would be to self-identify with traditionalism - a bad word, indeed.

So, here we are... smart phone in hand, begging about.com for the best possible appletini recipe on one screen while praying to Jah that we don't accidentally "double-tap" the instagram of the girl we've been stalking for 3 months because God forbid we actually let her know that we're interested. And while I'm on the subject, Dudes, stop being so meek. If you think by commenting on some chick's "where are all the sweet guys" status with some nice guy act is going to get you anywhere, you deserve the very public rejection you are about to receive.

I'm talking to myself here. I'm making a commitment to learn something new each day. I've been sucked into the trap of thinking that to learn how to do things that may not be 100% necessary today would be a waste of time, when I think I've been missing the point. I have a son now. I want my son to know how to be a man. I want him to be smart, funny, cool, empathetic and.... wait for it... strong. It has to start with us, guys.



 

It's Not What You Say (it's how you look when you say it)

I swear to God, folks. I don't go a single day without hearing some naive soul spout off something along the lines of, "it's whats in the inside that counts" or "looks really don't matter much to me." Liars.

The truth is, there is a fine line between sweet and creepy and it has very little to do with what's being said and everything to do with who is saying it (Can you say "Chris Brown"?) Don't believe me? Here are a few popular "love" song lyrics and how they would be received coming from some familiar faces.

I REST MY CASE...