Social Media Psychology 101

Social Media has been the biggest innovation in communications we've seen in the last 50 years, allowing us to keep in touch with old friends, share information with loved ones and build a sense of community in an otherwise fragmented world. It has also turned us into the biggest group of narcissistic, whiney, pathological liars this planet has ever seen. Fair trade, I guess.

The truth is that we have always been this way, we just lacked the proper outlet to showcase our various personality flaws. And just like we can identify certain personality type patterns in a the good ol' psychology text book, if you look closely enough,  an unmistakable pattern in social media personality types begins to emerge. Now, I've seen these types of lists before but there a few that I've seen consistently left out that deserve a little attention. Let's discuss.

Social Media Personality Types:

The Social Socrates

If classical greek philosophers spent their time trying to figure out how to explain metaphysical pluralism in 140 characters or less, this guy would have it down. Now, I'm not saying that the social media world is not a perfect place to have these types of conversations (I engage in them myself) only that a common observation I've made is that, "The Social Socrates" doesn't seem to be able to have these types of conversations anywhere BUT Facebook. And I ask, why?

The Social Elitist

We all like to think that offering our time and friendship is valuable. Unfortunately, this person thinks that their friendship is a gift to the $*%Y*# world. Oh, No! You are cleaning out your friends list?!?! I pray to GOD that I make the cut!

You'll be able to identify this self-loving person easily. Simply send them a friend request on Facebook and if it takes two months to get approved, you've successfully spotted The Social Elitist. Careful not to feed them. It's best to just walk away. 

The Social Hipster

The group is rampant on Twitter. Why? Because more people are on Facebook. Plus, Twitter gives them the perfect platform to create short, condescending posts about obscure bands and bad restaurants. Now, many Social Hipsters are migrating towards Instagram but are encountering the challenge of how to exclude others through photography.

The Social Seductress 

This person really doesn't have much to say. She isn't overly funny, knowledgable about interesting facts and her life isn't exactly full of excitement. She is, however, hot. Probably the biggest asset you can have in generating attention online. All posts are plagued with innuendo, subtle hints and obscure references. Of course, with the growing popularity of the "selfie," many Social Seductresses are turning to Instagram as well. You can spot this chick by photo angle preferences and the fact that despite the time it took to pull up the app camera, position the phone and snap a photo of herself, she still manages to look surprised. 

The Social Downer

Look, we all have bad days. But if every party has a pooper, Zuckerberg himself must have added this person to the guest list. The Social Downer feels that every personal detail of every bad thing that happens to them, should be shared online. This is not only depressing to their entire network but bad for "likes." It creates that awkward situation where nobody knows how to respond. Lesson: Some things are best kept off of social media. 

Life Lessons From Hip Hop

Dude. I'm not the biggest hip hop or rap fan out there. It has just never really been my thing. However, I think that lyrically speaking, nowhere can more profound gems of love, friends and shoes be found than hidden away in the rhymes of modern rap artists. So here it is... the top 4 most profound rap lyrics followed by personal interpretation.

TOP 4 BOMB @#$ BEATS THAT MAKE YOU THINK:

Line: Put Molly in her champaign. She don't even know it. I took her home and I enjoyed that. She ain't even know it. -Rick Ross

You know... once in awhile (and it doesn't happen often) but once in awhile an artist manages to really speak to the hearts of predators everywhere. Rick, you walk that fine line between glamour and prison so well. Not only did you manage to seemingly write a line entirely dedicated to date rape but you did so through a first person narrative. You, my friend, are an idiot.

Line: That ain't Kanye, That Montana. Loose Cannon. He shot me so I had to do it... -French Montana

So... lyrically speaking, there is nothing overly impressive about this line. It carries a horrible attempt at slant rhyming and isn't completely coherent to begin with.  The impressive part, however, is that French was indeed shot in the head and an individual involved in the shooting was killed, a case in which French claims he beat. Apparently, French felt that a top selling album would be the best outlet to privately admit to murder. Well played, French... well played.

Line: Told him: 'I want the guns, drugs, jewels papers and all,' but he stall/He tried to lie and say some chick had it/Soon as he said his word is born, I gave him a miscarriage. -Papoose

Making millions of dollars to do something is not necessarily an indication that you are good at it. Case in point: Papoose. The bottom line is that this lyric makes absolutely no sense. Zero. Yes, we get it.. you are punning on the "Word is born" term. Unfortunately for you, Papoose, if you give his word a miscarriage, you are essentially claiming to be the one who lied. Sorry.

Line: She's got porcelain skin of course she's a ten .And now she's even got her own song But movin' on, She's got the cutest laugh I ever heard, And we can be on the phone for three hours Not sayin' one word. -Gym Class Heroes

Super sweet, Dude. Your girl has unbelievably nice skin, a cute laugh, is crazy sexy and has the ability to maintain a 3 hour phone conversation without conversing. Sounds like a keeper!

I've Been Thinking

So... it is obvious that I broke the golden rule of blogging and haven't updated this thing in a very, very long time. Sue me. No... better yet, sue yourself for not bringing the diversion to my attention before a year went by and everyone stopped caring. Sorry. I didn't mean that, Baby.

Still, I feel a sense of self disappointment in my ability to consistently fail to be consistent in everything except failing. It's a learned quality and one that I struggle with often.

The truth is, this year has been completely crazy for me. New son, new career move, new outlook. I feel like if my life were a VH1 Behind The Music special, the would be the post, "downward spiral" part of the story in which I begin to find inspiration in literally everything.

I've got some good stories to tell. Stories of $%*# gone terribly wrong and even more of $#%* gone terribly right. I've got stories of crazy kids, good beers and awkward situations that hurt.

I just don't have time to tell them tonight.

I've got a job.

... Bum.

Stay tuned, though. I'm going to be updating this blog again and will do my best to keep it going this time. I love you guys and I hope you stick with me. XOXO. Goodnight.