It's Not What You Say (it's how you look when you say it)

I swear to God, folks. I don't go a single day without hearing some naive soul spout off something along the lines of, "it's whats in the inside that counts" or "looks really don't matter much to me." Liars.

The truth is, there is a fine line between sweet and creepy and it has very little to do with what's being said and everything to do with who is saying it (Can you say "Chris Brown"?) Don't believe me? Here are a few popular "love" song lyrics and how they would be received coming from some familiar faces.

I REST MY CASE...

Social Media Psychology 101

Social Media has been the biggest innovation in communications we've seen in the last 50 years, allowing us to keep in touch with old friends, share information with loved ones and build a sense of community in an otherwise fragmented world. It has also turned us into the biggest group of narcissistic, whiney, pathological liars this planet has ever seen. Fair trade, I guess.

The truth is that we have always been this way, we just lacked the proper outlet to showcase our various personality flaws. And just like we can identify certain personality type patterns in a the good ol' psychology text book, if you look closely enough,  an unmistakable pattern in social media personality types begins to emerge. Now, I've seen these types of lists before but there a few that I've seen consistently left out that deserve a little attention. Let's discuss.

Social Media Personality Types:

The Social Socrates

If classical greek philosophers spent their time trying to figure out how to explain metaphysical pluralism in 140 characters or less, this guy would have it down. Now, I'm not saying that the social media world is not a perfect place to have these types of conversations (I engage in them myself) only that a common observation I've made is that, "The Social Socrates" doesn't seem to be able to have these types of conversations anywhere BUT Facebook. And I ask, why?

The Social Elitist

We all like to think that offering our time and friendship is valuable. Unfortunately, this person thinks that their friendship is a gift to the $*%Y*# world. Oh, No! You are cleaning out your friends list?!?! I pray to GOD that I make the cut!

You'll be able to identify this self-loving person easily. Simply send them a friend request on Facebook and if it takes two months to get approved, you've successfully spotted The Social Elitist. Careful not to feed them. It's best to just walk away. 

The Social Hipster

The group is rampant on Twitter. Why? Because more people are on Facebook. Plus, Twitter gives them the perfect platform to create short, condescending posts about obscure bands and bad restaurants. Now, many Social Hipsters are migrating towards Instagram but are encountering the challenge of how to exclude others through photography.

The Social Seductress 

This person really doesn't have much to say. She isn't overly funny, knowledgable about interesting facts and her life isn't exactly full of excitement. She is, however, hot. Probably the biggest asset you can have in generating attention online. All posts are plagued with innuendo, subtle hints and obscure references. Of course, with the growing popularity of the "selfie," many Social Seductresses are turning to Instagram as well. You can spot this chick by photo angle preferences and the fact that despite the time it took to pull up the app camera, position the phone and snap a photo of herself, she still manages to look surprised. 

The Social Downer

Look, we all have bad days. But if every party has a pooper, Zuckerberg himself must have added this person to the guest list. The Social Downer feels that every personal detail of every bad thing that happens to them, should be shared online. This is not only depressing to their entire network but bad for "likes." It creates that awkward situation where nobody knows how to respond. Lesson: Some things are best kept off of social media. 

Life Lessons From Hip Hop

Dude. I'm not the biggest hip hop or rap fan out there. It has just never really been my thing. However, I think that lyrically speaking, nowhere can more profound gems of love, friends and shoes be found than hidden away in the rhymes of modern rap artists. So here it is... the top 4 most profound rap lyrics followed by personal interpretation.

TOP 4 BOMB @#$ BEATS THAT MAKE YOU THINK:

Line: Put Molly in her champaign. She don't even know it. I took her home and I enjoyed that. She ain't even know it. -Rick Ross

You know... once in awhile (and it doesn't happen often) but once in awhile an artist manages to really speak to the hearts of predators everywhere. Rick, you walk that fine line between glamour and prison so well. Not only did you manage to seemingly write a line entirely dedicated to date rape but you did so through a first person narrative. You, my friend, are an idiot.

Line: That ain't Kanye, That Montana. Loose Cannon. He shot me so I had to do it... -French Montana

So... lyrically speaking, there is nothing overly impressive about this line. It carries a horrible attempt at slant rhyming and isn't completely coherent to begin with.  The impressive part, however, is that French was indeed shot in the head and an individual involved in the shooting was killed, a case in which French claims he beat. Apparently, French felt that a top selling album would be the best outlet to privately admit to murder. Well played, French... well played.

Line: Told him: 'I want the guns, drugs, jewels papers and all,' but he stall/He tried to lie and say some chick had it/Soon as he said his word is born, I gave him a miscarriage. -Papoose

Making millions of dollars to do something is not necessarily an indication that you are good at it. Case in point: Papoose. The bottom line is that this lyric makes absolutely no sense. Zero. Yes, we get it.. you are punning on the "Word is born" term. Unfortunately for you, Papoose, if you give his word a miscarriage, you are essentially claiming to be the one who lied. Sorry.

Line: She's got porcelain skin of course she's a ten .And now she's even got her own song But movin' on, She's got the cutest laugh I ever heard, And we can be on the phone for three hours Not sayin' one word. -Gym Class Heroes

Super sweet, Dude. Your girl has unbelievably nice skin, a cute laugh, is crazy sexy and has the ability to maintain a 3 hour phone conversation without conversing. Sounds like a keeper!

I've Been Thinking

So... it is obvious that I broke the golden rule of blogging and haven't updated this thing in a very, very long time. Sue me. No... better yet, sue yourself for not bringing the diversion to my attention before a year went by and everyone stopped caring. Sorry. I didn't mean that, Baby.

Still, I feel a sense of self disappointment in my ability to consistently fail to be consistent in everything except failing. It's a learned quality and one that I struggle with often.

The truth is, this year has been completely crazy for me. New son, new career move, new outlook. I feel like if my life were a VH1 Behind The Music special, the would be the post, "downward spiral" part of the story in which I begin to find inspiration in literally everything.

I've got some good stories to tell. Stories of $%*# gone terribly wrong and even more of $#%* gone terribly right. I've got stories of crazy kids, good beers and awkward situations that hurt.

I just don't have time to tell them tonight.

I've got a job.

... Bum.

Stay tuned, though. I'm going to be updating this blog again and will do my best to keep it going this time. I love you guys and I hope you stick with me. XOXO. Goodnight.

Where I've Been and Why You Won't Care

Life has a way of showing you the beauty and magic in even the most troubling times. Wait.. no. That is bull $h#*. I'm thinking of someone else's life. My life has a way of showing me tragedy in even the most beautiful circumstances. 

I haven't updated this blog in quite some time but before you start trying to crucify me (you bunch of uncaring onlookers) I have a good explanation. In fact, I have more excuses than you do for not reading my old posts. Anyone can play the blame game. Lets be civil.. 

The truth is... life has been a bit overwhelming. Some big news... GOOD NEWS... but very, very big news has come to light. After 3 years of "trying" my Wife and I are expecting another child. On a side note, whenever a couple tells me that they were "trying" I almost instantly picture them having and ungodly amount of sex. Anyways, no time to get into that. Just know that if you have ever shared with me how long you were "trying" before you were blessed with your little bundle of joy, I was picturing you doing the dirty... but at the same time, thrilled for you and your little blessing.

Now, I'm not the kind to get overly emotional about things like this but I had an opportunity to hear my unborn baby's heartbeat for the first time and they even snapped a little picture. I can't wait to meet him/her. I have that feeling all over again that I had when I found out my daughter was on the way. It is unbelievably strange knowing that this little parasite dwelling in my wife will someday grow into a human that I will love like no other. He or she will someday call me daddy, sit on my shoulders, go through a time of complete resentment and hopefully get over it in time to call me daddy again. My Dad wasn't around much and as much as I don't understand why, I love that we have an opportunity to change things for our kids. 

Also, we have a new Bevmo by my house giving me access to more beer. I've been busy because of that as well... drinking lots of beer. 

Cheers and take care! 

Beer and Food: A Match Made In Heaven.

As much as I'd like to see craft beer culture stay clear of the pompous snobbery often times associated with modern wine culture, I also believe that, like wine, craft beer is by nature an artisan product and should be treated as such. In other words, while I hate to see a man or woman holding a craft beer while prancing around like some aristocrat elitist, using words like "cretin" or "mundane"... I also hate the imagery of a bunch of closet case frat boys tying each other up while spraying Pabst Blue Ribbon all over each other. I haven't chugged a beer since I was 19... 21 and I don't encourage such behavior. We must find balance in all things, yes? 


The truth is, craft beer is a lot like wine in that it is intended to be appreciated and explored. The brewers took special care to create a unique and enjoyable experience, not some mass produced, low-end beverage served at freezing temperatures to hide it's flavorless qualities. Craft beer is also like wine in that when paired with food, it makes the experience all that much better. Beer and food can be paired together to bring out new flavors within each and make your experience that much more enjoyable. 

If you are new to beer/food pairing, there are some basic rules you can follow. If you are familiar with pairing wine with food think of it as if ales are red wine and lagers are white. As taste is subjective, the key is to experiment with complimentary and contrasting pairings. You don't want the beer you are pairing your food with to be so dominant that if overshadows the flavors of the dish. Instead, you want the combination to  bring out the flavors in each other and create a unique experience. Although it is fun to get all wild and crazy like with pairings, for a quick reference, I have provided some common beer styles and some good pairing options. Enjoy


Pale Ale: This is a very versatile style which is why it tends to be my "go-to" beer for lunch or a simple meal. This beer goes great with burgers, chicken, fish and american cheese. 


India Pale Ale: One of my personal favorites, this overly hopped beer can often times over power a light dish with it's bitter, bad self. I tend to pair this with spicy dishes such as cajun or Indian. If you love curry, this beer will make you cry with joy.  


Porter: Being a master of the grill, I tend to pair a good Porter with all things "smokey." Porters go very well with barbequed steaks, sausages and roasts. I also love putting this in any homemade bbq sauce and as far as cheese goes, you can't beat Porter and Gruy're.  


Stout: BEEF. Stouts are made for beef... well, that and oysters. Really, if you are eating anything big and hearty, you can't go wrong with a stout.

Amber/Red: I tend to pair this beer with light meats like chicken or fish but also goes great with mexican food. Any kind of cheese with a "kick" would be nicely paired with an Amber. 


Pilsner: Not one of my favorite styles of beer but they do go well with lighter meals such as chicken and salmon.

Coors Light: This pairs nicely with Kid Rock, wife beatin'  and Kraft singles. 


I'll make a more detailed list with more interesting beer styles soon but in the meantime, have fun pairing good food and good beer and don't forget... pinkies out, gentlemen. 

I Saw The Sign and It Opened Up My Eyes.

You know, I always try to do what I can to help a needy person out on the streets with a dollar or two here and a sandwich there. What can I say, there have been many times in my life when I was one paycheck away from being there myself.

There was, however, one incident recently that I am having a difficult time wrapping my head around. It kind of threw me off a bit and... well, let me just tell you the story. 

I had just finished shopping at my favorite grocery store, trying to stock up on the basic necessities of life like peanut butter and pale ale and was on my way out of the parking lot. As I approached the rear exit that I use to avoid the traffic heading the other direction, I noticed a homeless man standing there holding a a rather large sign with marker scribbling on it. Now, I don't know if it was because the sun was glaring in my eyes or because I had failed to wash my windshield for the past 4 months, but the sign he was holding was in no way clear or even slightly legible. It didn't matter anyways as in my mind,  most of the signs say the same thing; something about needing help and God Bless. Now, to be honest with you, times had been hard in terms of finances... I had just started a new job and the gap in pay had taken its toll on my wallet. To top it off, my Wife had sent me to the store with very strict instructions to spend as little as possible and I had already broken that rule with the six pack of Sierra Nevada that I so very much deserved. I couldn't possibly help this guy out during such financial hardship. It would be irresponsible and unreasonable to do so. 

Still, I felt this strange tugging at my heart and I knew that I had two dollars in my pocket.. Surely, the two dollars would be better spent for this man to feed himself than for me to spend on an overpriced coffee or something less important than the basic necessity that is food. My Wife may get upset, but conviction is conviction and I felt that for some reason, somehow I was put there, in that very situation,  to give this man the money. For the first time, I believed that fate had put me there and that giving my last two dollars to this needy man was all part of some divine plan that was much larger than myself.

As I pull up next to the man, I eagerly roll down my window and let out a, "here you go, man!" as he slowly approached my car. It was a great feeling of selflessness and although he blocked the sun as he approached my vehicle, leaving the bright light surrounding him, I could see a cheerful smile on the man's face. The closer he came, the more he blocked out the sun and just as he reached my car, hand extended, smile from ear to ear,  his sign become clear... 

Ouch. Turns out fate can be quite the enabler. 

I WAS MAD. How selfish... how rude. There are people out there starving, this is the last little bit of cash I had on me ,which could have went to help someone buy food.. and this guy... this guy right here, is asking for it for beer?  You messed up, Buddy, because you are about to get a piece of my mind! As he reaches for the money, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I looked him straight in the eyes and loudly said:

"No problem, Brother. Have one on me!"

Shame. Could I possibly be so insecure... so narcissistic, that I was not only too worried about what this drunken con artist thought of me but that I even changed my speech pattern and wording to fit in with him? Oh yeah, here you go... take my money to buy booze, just don't think I'm not cool with it... that would destroy me. I'm pretty sure that I need therapy. But what would the therapist think of me? 

Oh well, At least I have my own six pack.