6 Parenting Facebook Statuses (If People Told The Truth)

Humans are an opinionated breed, to say the least. Moreover, humans have an amazing ability to quickly spot every minor imperfection in another human while staying remarkably oblivious to their own. I'm sure there is some kind of evolutionary advantage to this kind of self denial but I have yet to identify what it is.

The truth is that parenting is sloppy, chaotic and completely ugly at times and despite the words of others who are always there when you need good criticism, this holds true for all.

We are all just trying to figure this mess out while minimizing the psychological damage we cause our children along the way. And between the in-store humiliation, the back seat screaming and the constant fear of failure, parenting can be a beautiful thing as well.

As an advocate of truth and self-awareness, I want to be perfectly clear on something. Parenting is not what you see on facebook, with all kids smiling at the camera, perfectly groomed while mommy and daddy look lovingly into each other's eyes while petting the family dog. This is what they want you to think parenting is like for them. You don't see the other takes with screeching, biting, sticky faces and dirty clothes, and don't even get me started on the kids...

To honor all of you parents who are doing the best you can but are constantly made out to be a failure by those less honest, I've compiled this this for you. Enjoy.

6 Parenting Facebook Statuses (If People Told The Truth) 

1. Date Night

2. Romance

3. Memories

4. Development

5. Love

6. Discipline

30 Things They Don't Tell You About Turning 30

I'd be lying if I said it was easy. After all, it seems like just yesterday that I was driving down the street, listening to overrated punk rock songs in my crappy car, completely broke, exhausted, no career and feeling effing great. These days are gone; just memories and reflections of a person that I once was and now have absolutely no way to relate to.

You see... it's not so much that you've changed. You're still the same loser at heart. That's the problem. It's your surroundings that have changed and you spend the rest of your short life trying to catch up with them.

So, for all of you in your late twenties who have not yet been hit with the reality of this $*%#, this post is for you. Read it. Absorb it. Wrap your naive, young mind around it and learn to adapt. Because I love you... I love you very much.


30 Things They Don't Tell You About Turning 30

1. You will start referring to the majority of the people you meet as "kids."

2. Professional athletes your age are now retired, in the hall of fame and eating tapioca off of some stripper's stomach in Atlanta.

3. New Year's Eve photos do not involve JELL-O shots... just JELL-O.

4. All Your Friends Will Start Having Kids... On Purpose.

5. Any girls in their early 20's who seem attracted to you obviously have issues and need help.

6. You will start to lie. A lot.

7. The harsh reality that hangovers do exist will leave you broken inside.

8. This harsh reality will last for two days, not one morning.

9. People you used to like, you will now hate. People you used to hate, you will still hate but for entirely different reasons.

10. No one will ever be proud of you again. People are proud of 20-year-olds. You are in your 30's. Now, get back to work.

11. You will try to impress people who are younger than you by acting cool. You are not cool.

12. Get used to looking at a lot of pictures of food and kids on Instagram.

13. Sometimes sex is just something you need to get done.

14. Your Facebook feed now has political posts. Enjoy.

15. You will start using phrases that you used to hate. You can't help it. They are now part of your being. "It's just the way it goes."

16. You will watch a lot of concerts... on TV.

17. Your kids (yes, you have kids now) will expect you to know things and you'll be like, "oh no."

18. Your parents at 30 were far more advanced than you at 30. They will let you know this.

19. Going out with friends must be scheduled weeks in advance, placed in your calendar and planned out in detail. Oh.. and one of you will cancel.

20. The girl you were in love with in high school.. well look at her. She is hideous.

21. The girl you ignored in high school is now incredibly hot.

22. Your Wife (yes, you are married now) will talk about you with her friends. Her friends will not respect you.

23. Everyone you know now exercises.

24. You now really want to get carded when buying booze.

25. Sometimes you will volunteer your ID when buying booze and will hear, "It's okay... you're cool."

26. You have so many business cards in that one drawer. You know the drawer.

27. You will go to a party and there will be babies there. There are babies at the parties you go to now.

28. You dry shave. You gots too, man.

29. You never finish anything you start.

Innovation Or Castration?

Look... I'm not one to put to much stock in the World's definition of, "manliness." At least not in the traditional, "I'm going to spend all day drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, watching Nascar and hating things" sense of the word.  Humanity is evolving and I'm not one to fight nature.

I do, however, hold to the truth that we, as Dudes, owe the world a favor and the feminization of American men has little to do with getting smarter and more to do with the laziness that accompanies modern innovation. My Dad had many flaws and may have spent more time out of my life than in it but he knew how to change a tire, read a map, mix a drink and hit on easy girls at clubs. Mad props, pops.

The truth is that many men today don't know how to be men, at least not without asking Siri to explain it. We are content with the idea that while we may not know how to accomplish even the most elementary of "man tasks," it is simply a reflection of the technicalization of society and to fight it would be to self-identify with traditionalism - a bad word, indeed.

So, here we are... smart phone in hand, begging about.com for the best possible appletini recipe on one screen while praying to Jah that we don't accidentally "double-tap" the instagram of the girl we've been stalking for 3 months because God forbid we actually let her know that we're interested. And while I'm on the subject, Dudes, stop being so meek. If you think by commenting on some chick's "where are all the sweet guys" status with some nice guy act is going to get you anywhere, you deserve the very public rejection you are about to receive.

I'm talking to myself here. I'm making a commitment to learn something new each day. I've been sucked into the trap of thinking that to learn how to do things that may not be 100% necessary today would be a waste of time, when I think I've been missing the point. I have a son now. I want my son to know how to be a man. I want him to be smart, funny, cool, empathetic and.... wait for it... strong. It has to start with us, guys.



 

It's Not What You Say (it's how you look when you say it)

I swear to God, folks. I don't go a single day without hearing some naive soul spout off something along the lines of, "it's whats in the inside that counts" or "looks really don't matter much to me." Liars.

The truth is, there is a fine line between sweet and creepy and it has very little to do with what's being said and everything to do with who is saying it (Can you say "Chris Brown"?) Don't believe me? Here are a few popular "love" song lyrics and how they would be received coming from some familiar faces.

I REST MY CASE...

Social Media Psychology 101

Social Media has been the biggest innovation in communications we've seen in the last 50 years, allowing us to keep in touch with old friends, share information with loved ones and build a sense of community in an otherwise fragmented world. It has also turned us into the biggest group of narcissistic, whiney, pathological liars this planet has ever seen. Fair trade, I guess.

The truth is that we have always been this way, we just lacked the proper outlet to showcase our various personality flaws. And just like we can identify certain personality type patterns in a the good ol' psychology text book, if you look closely enough,  an unmistakable pattern in social media personality types begins to emerge. Now, I've seen these types of lists before but there a few that I've seen consistently left out that deserve a little attention. Let's discuss.

Social Media Personality Types:

The Social Socrates

If classical greek philosophers spent their time trying to figure out how to explain metaphysical pluralism in 140 characters or less, this guy would have it down. Now, I'm not saying that the social media world is not a perfect place to have these types of conversations (I engage in them myself) only that a common observation I've made is that, "The Social Socrates" doesn't seem to be able to have these types of conversations anywhere BUT Facebook. And I ask, why?

The Social Elitist

We all like to think that offering our time and friendship is valuable. Unfortunately, this person thinks that their friendship is a gift to the $*%Y*# world. Oh, No! You are cleaning out your friends list?!?! I pray to GOD that I make the cut!

You'll be able to identify this self-loving person easily. Simply send them a friend request on Facebook and if it takes two months to get approved, you've successfully spotted The Social Elitist. Careful not to feed them. It's best to just walk away. 

The Social Hipster

The group is rampant on Twitter. Why? Because more people are on Facebook. Plus, Twitter gives them the perfect platform to create short, condescending posts about obscure bands and bad restaurants. Now, many Social Hipsters are migrating towards Instagram but are encountering the challenge of how to exclude others through photography.

The Social Seductress 

This person really doesn't have much to say. She isn't overly funny, knowledgable about interesting facts and her life isn't exactly full of excitement. She is, however, hot. Probably the biggest asset you can have in generating attention online. All posts are plagued with innuendo, subtle hints and obscure references. Of course, with the growing popularity of the "selfie," many Social Seductresses are turning to Instagram as well. You can spot this chick by photo angle preferences and the fact that despite the time it took to pull up the app camera, position the phone and snap a photo of herself, she still manages to look surprised. 

The Social Downer

Look, we all have bad days. But if every party has a pooper, Zuckerberg himself must have added this person to the guest list. The Social Downer feels that every personal detail of every bad thing that happens to them, should be shared online. This is not only depressing to their entire network but bad for "likes." It creates that awkward situation where nobody knows how to respond. Lesson: Some things are best kept off of social media. 

Life Lessons From Hip Hop

Dude. I'm not the biggest hip hop or rap fan out there. It has just never really been my thing. However, I think that lyrically speaking, nowhere can more profound gems of love, friends and shoes be found than hidden away in the rhymes of modern rap artists. So here it is... the top 4 most profound rap lyrics followed by personal interpretation.

TOP 4 BOMB @#$ BEATS THAT MAKE YOU THINK:

Line: Put Molly in her champaign. She don't even know it. I took her home and I enjoyed that. She ain't even know it. -Rick Ross

You know... once in awhile (and it doesn't happen often) but once in awhile an artist manages to really speak to the hearts of predators everywhere. Rick, you walk that fine line between glamour and prison so well. Not only did you manage to seemingly write a line entirely dedicated to date rape but you did so through a first person narrative. You, my friend, are an idiot.

Line: That ain't Kanye, That Montana. Loose Cannon. He shot me so I had to do it... -French Montana

So... lyrically speaking, there is nothing overly impressive about this line. It carries a horrible attempt at slant rhyming and isn't completely coherent to begin with.  The impressive part, however, is that French was indeed shot in the head and an individual involved in the shooting was killed, a case in which French claims he beat. Apparently, French felt that a top selling album would be the best outlet to privately admit to murder. Well played, French... well played.

Line: Told him: 'I want the guns, drugs, jewels papers and all,' but he stall/He tried to lie and say some chick had it/Soon as he said his word is born, I gave him a miscarriage. -Papoose

Making millions of dollars to do something is not necessarily an indication that you are good at it. Case in point: Papoose. The bottom line is that this lyric makes absolutely no sense. Zero. Yes, we get it.. you are punning on the "Word is born" term. Unfortunately for you, Papoose, if you give his word a miscarriage, you are essentially claiming to be the one who lied. Sorry.

Line: She's got porcelain skin of course she's a ten .And now she's even got her own song But movin' on, She's got the cutest laugh I ever heard, And we can be on the phone for three hours Not sayin' one word. -Gym Class Heroes

Super sweet, Dude. Your girl has unbelievably nice skin, a cute laugh, is crazy sexy and has the ability to maintain a 3 hour phone conversation without conversing. Sounds like a keeper!

I've Been Thinking

So... it is obvious that I broke the golden rule of blogging and haven't updated this thing in a very, very long time. Sue me. No... better yet, sue yourself for not bringing the diversion to my attention before a year went by and everyone stopped caring. Sorry. I didn't mean that, Baby.

Still, I feel a sense of self disappointment in my ability to consistently fail to be consistent in everything except failing. It's a learned quality and one that I struggle with often.

The truth is, this year has been completely crazy for me. New son, new career move, new outlook. I feel like if my life were a VH1 Behind The Music special, the would be the post, "downward spiral" part of the story in which I begin to find inspiration in literally everything.

I've got some good stories to tell. Stories of $%*# gone terribly wrong and even more of $#%* gone terribly right. I've got stories of crazy kids, good beers and awkward situations that hurt.

I just don't have time to tell them tonight.

I've got a job.

... Bum.

Stay tuned, though. I'm going to be updating this blog again and will do my best to keep it going this time. I love you guys and I hope you stick with me. XOXO. Goodnight.